dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
