I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
