Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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