I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
