no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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