so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
