your parents love me but you hate me
Nicole vs. Life
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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