Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
handjob tips. give me some.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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