I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
