I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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