If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
