I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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