At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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