Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
