I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
