You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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