she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
