I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
