hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
