kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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