if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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