forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize