her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I need a burrito and a hug.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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