I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
