It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
