Just fell off a train. Bad.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
