Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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