allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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