If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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