i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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