Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
