I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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