We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
