We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I fill condoms, not promises.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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