Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
