Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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