I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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