and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
