Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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