Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
