I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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