it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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