sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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