With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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