Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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