my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
