Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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