talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
