I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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