Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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