I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
