What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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