I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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