As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
