worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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