Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize