how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
