I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
