I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
