Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
