She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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