Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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