I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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