When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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