I just pynch a tree in the face
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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