my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
