I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
