A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
