His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
