Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
